Life with Depression and Anxiety.
Personal experience is the best reference anyone can have when it comes to living life, and dealing with the cards it hands to an individual.
Life with depression and anxiety is hard for anyone. Not only for the individual, but also hard for those close loved ones involved in their life.
Having depression is hard on its own, not wanting to go out, no derive to do anything.. even self care is lacking because you actually dont realize how much time has gone by since the last time to took care of yourself. Anxiety is also hard on its own, not being able to trust anyone, not able to go into public alone, dont even mention social gatherings. Now add those two together and you have one big mess of emotions.
Some people dont even realize they may have some metal health issues in the first place. Its important to know your mind and body, as well as have someone to talk to.
If you suspect you have a mental health issue please speak to your doctor about options you have. Dont try and deal with it alone, trust me I know first hand that dealing alone is counter productive. It took me years before talking to my doctor about it, I wish i did it sooner.
My personal Experience
I have lived the majority of my life with depression, I always new that. Years into it I discovered that I also have Anxiety and PTSD. Nothing helped me cope, I Tried smoking, drinking, self harm, drugs, bad behavior and even went as far a joining a male football team because I knew I would get hurt.
People around me didn’t seem to notice because I was always the smiling “happy one” in the group, always helping others when they were down. When it was my turn I didn’t get the same treatment.. This is mainly because I didn’t show that I needed it nor did I ask for help.
It is so important to show or ask for help. I know its sooo hard to seek it, but it will help in the long run. By the time I asked for help it felt like it was one with my mind, like I couldn’t control my thoughts. I started having “day-mares” (bad daydreams) . This was the result of my Anxiety and PTSD getting a hold of my conciseness.
Sleepless nights, long days, and loneliness are an outcome of depression. We deprive ourselves of human connection and necessities without even realizing it. Days pass by without showering, or eating a proper meal. sitting or laying around in a quiet house telling friends and family your busy. I realized I needed to be medicated after my daughter was born. I was diagnosed with PPD ( post partum depression) but I new it went much much further in my past.
Integrating from childhood depression to adult depression
children dont realize that feeling sad while having day-mares and being scared of society isn’t normal. You just live life like that’s just how it is.
These Feelings only get worse as teenage years come into play. At this point you realize that you are not living normally. Coping with mental illness as a teenager is probably the hardest thing to deal with, because you feel that nobody understand or cares. Teens need to understand that they NEED to talk and let people know what they are feeling. If they dont than how will anyone know for sure that they need help.
Going from child, to teen, to adult without a healthy coping mechanism, or proper help is a devastating thing. Imagine an adult that isn’t capable of to going out into public or even talking on the phone because they just cant. That’s just it, there is no proper excuse, yes one comes up but in reality this person literally just cant.
Being able to cope in society is a mentally and physically straining job. This is because of overthinking situations, constantly worried about how people see you, faking the smiley happy persona, and well just trying not to freak out because you would rather be safe at home.
Depression as an adult
Living through childhood, and teen depression made me feel like a master at manipulating how to show my emotions now that I am living the adult version.
It is still hard to live with feeling worthless, useless, and alone all the time. Even when you have loved ones close by, and family with you, you still have these feelings. There are days where you feel like everything and everyone is against you , That everything that goes wrong is your fault somehow.
I needed help and a change.
At first I had to force myself to find a job, that was probably one of the most stressful things I have had to force myself to do as a adult. Especially starting my first day! But I realized that I actually like it. I liked working and getting out of the house for a bit. At this point I was still smoking cigarettes and Cannabis as a way to self medicate.
The Anxiety coming out
Once I met my now life partner Derrick It was a bit easier to control my feelings and self doubt, but trust did not come easy. I questioned everything he did, even though he was always around. At first everything was going great! We connected well, I helped him with his sad feelings about his parents divorce, but yet I still hid my depression. Anxiety though couldn’t be hidden. I was overbearing with trust issues and jealousy problems. I was so lucky he stuck by me and tried to help me get over these issues.
A turn around point for me was after my daughter was born. Realizing I needed help when the only thing that mattered in my life was my baby. Not wanting to go outside, didn’t call anyone, and didn’t even leave the apartment. I went days without showering because I couldn’t trust anyone but me with her.
I scowled at any man who looked at my baby (PTSD) It felt like it would kill me if I let any man other than her father hold her. The day his father held her for hours without putting her down while she slept. This made my anxiety and PTSD skyrocket.. but I hid it behind a smile. I couldn’t ask him to give her back because I didn’t want to show my weakness. Forcing myslef to trust that he would do anything to hurt her. I could see the love in his eyes when looking at her, but it still hurt my heart to watch him hold her.
Still to this day (until this article comes out) no one knew about how I truly felt about this.
Deciding to be medicated
Getting medicated for Depression is not a bad thing!
I decided one day to mention how I was feeling to my doctor during my daughters check up. I had enough of this depression shit. We did a questionnaire and decided to go onto medication.
This was the best decision I made for myself. Recently I tried to lower my dosage and it went terribly wrong. I just sat on my couch during my daughters nap and cried for hours. Yes it was disappointing that I had to go back and up the dosage, but if it was going to improve my quality of life as well as my family’s I will do it.
long term effects of Depression
Not everyone is going to feel the same way about their mental illness, or be in tune with their psyche as much as others. Combining my long term depression, Anxiety, PTSD and these day-mares had created a heartless monster.
As a child and teenager I wanted to help fix everyone’s emotional problems and talk them into being positive. I was AMAZING at it! I helped so many people who were extremely depressed or even those who just needed reassurance. Feeling their pain helped me sympathize with them. I actually felt sad with them and not for them.
My adult years are nothing like that, I dont care anymore… I hear of a truly sad situation and it doesn’t faze me at all. Nothing impacts me like it used to. Death, sickness, loss, accidents, and just peoples general feelings dont cause effect to my emotions. Emotionless or heartless are the only words I can use to describe this feeling.
Everyone comments on how well I handle stressful and hard situations, I dont freak out, cry, run away or even show true emotion. In my personal opinion, I feel this is because of dealing with my mental illness without help for so long, because of my day-mares, and of course because of the unforgettable past I have lived.
If you are interested in reading about my experience with Day-mares ( bad day dreams) keep posted as its next to be written.