It is time to tell my story, and show how I dealt with these unforgettable things. This how I discovered some of the hardest things people go through in life.
Dealing with it is another part of healing.
TRIGGER WARNING TO THOSE SENSITIVE TO ABUSE.
It is time to talk about those unforgettable things some of you can’t talk about.
There are so many unforgettable things people encounter in life, and although they can have similarities, everyone reacts and deals with them differently. The things we need to do to cope with these events do not necessarily contain a physical element but a mental one that we should be aware of. I recently was brought into the light of needing to do these things to help me with my past. These things are unforgettable.. its time to accept that, and stop trying to forget. Thank you to my mother in law for that.
The First Steps.
The first steps to bettering ourselves, which are usually the most difficult ones to take are: acceptance, forgiveness, self-discipline, and to admit when we are wrong. Everyone lives and thinks differently, and has experienced things in different ways. so feeling of one thing being hard could be easier for another.
When it comes to having life throw things at you, some people may get it worse than others but I like to believe it is because we could handle what was thrown our way. It can take so long to heal from a traumatic experience., even the smallest things can hurt someone. Some may be used to the little things so it doesn’t bother them as much. Everyone reacts differently depending on their mental state and also on how they grew up.
In my own personal experience, if you experience hard times and the unforgettable at a young age than it can be easier to deal with things if they happen later on in life. For someone who grew up in a happy home and had a great childhood, it would be much harder for them to deal with hard times and unforgettable situations later on in life. From this perspective I am talking from personal experience.
The most important thing to remember is you will never forget your past no matter how you want to, nor should that be your goal. You need to accept that this has happened and see that it has created a stronger you with experience to teach and help others.
I am going to talk about my very personal experiences that I have lived through. It is very hard to talk about, but now I know that I cannot change it. So I an accepting it and making it the reason I am a strong woman today. I hope that talking about my experiences and how I coped with them helps as many people as this can reach.
FINAL TRIGGER WARNING
Child Abuse (from child to Teen)
First thing I experienced as a child that will always be unforgettable was sexual abuse. Not from one, but two people who were close to me, who were FAMILY. My grandfather, who started with me very young ( 4 years old ) and my step father (I was between 5 and 6 years old ). My step father is was only twice, but my grandfather was everyday and most nights from the age of 4 to 11 years old. That’s about 7 years… 7 years of having the innocence taken away.
When it finally came out he got 16 months in jail. That was the most devastating to me, why so little time? Another part that I will never forget and will make me always hate my grandmother is she chose him over me, over her family. she was angry not because of what he did, but because I was the other WOMAN… even though I was a child…
Going through this once I came out was hard. counselling and talking to other people was difficult. As a young child you don’t completely understand that what was going on was wrong, so once you get older you blame yourself for not realizing it. Let me tell you that a child is innocent in every way, it was never the child fault in any way!
It took me so long to accept this part of my past, I am still to this day working on it. I wanted to forget about it and I hated everyone who was ever close to me, I couldn’t trust anyone.
But today I am sitting here remembering and seeing how it made me stronger and it opened my eyes. I am working on the forgiveness part, it’s still so hard to even think about forgiving monsters. I shut out my grandmother from my life for good recently and it just feels so good, sometimes you need to just let it go and let the past be the past, forgive but never forget.
Another issue I experienced as a child, also during this time period was a different kind of abuse. While visiting my biological father, his girlfriend at the time had it out for me. She hated me with a passion and wasn’t scared to show it. She was extremely mean, and borderline abusive. I was punished and blamed for things I never did.
once she locked me outside naked because I was crying for my Mother. One thing she did I will never forget, she blamed me for her baby falling over, so she brought me outside and held me over the dog pen. Letting them bark and jump at me, she threatened to throw me in. On our way back inside from the dog pen I was on her shoulder and she slipped on some ice on the steps outside, when my Father came home she said that I had pushed her, I was 5, how could I have? No one ever asked if I was alright, I was sent to my room. When I went home to my Mother, I never saw my Father again.
So much Moving and Homelessness.
Between the ages of 6 and 11 we moved across Canada. The initial move was because of some bad people who might have wanted to hurt us, because of my step father at the time. We moved 5 times within 7 years. From British Columbia, to multiple places in Quebec. When we moved to Quebec my brother and I were forced to be in a French school because we needed to learn French quickly. Knowing zero French in this school was hard. The teacher I had made me pee myself in 3rd grade in the middle of class because I couldn’t ask to go to the washroom in French. This was extremely emotional and hurtful to my well being. We left this school and eventually went to an English school.
At 9 years old my mother met a man. He moved us out of my grandmothers house, a year or so later they married. He was loving, caring, and treated us four kids as his own. It crushed him when I revealed what my grandfather was doing to me. We were happy as a family, but it didn’t last, he and my Mother separated.
A new man entered our lives not long after the separation. This man was deceitful, cunning, mean, verbally abusive and a criminal. He introduced our family to criminal ways. At 15 I started to party all the time, substance abuse became an issue. I started lying all the time and going out all night. This man condoned this behavior, he rewarded it. This experience made me go through my partying age very young. I got over it by the age of 19.
During the time all this happened (between the ages of 14 and 19) we were homeless so many times. but that is another story for another time.
Bearing a secret.
Before the last time we were homeless (17 years old) we were in the south of Ottawa, Ontario. One night during the summer I ran into an old friend and she invited me to go with her for a small get together with her, her boyfriend and his friend. Me thinking it was just that I agreed and went along. She neglected to tell me I was invited as a hook up for one of the two other guys there. Obviously I ignored it.
I was stupid and drank too much, I got sick and went to bed. Being fully aware of what was happening but not able to do anything the two boys took advantage of me. A few hours later I threw my pants on (not realizing they were inside out at the time) I went downstairs to find my “friend” had left. She left me there alone with these two. I was scared they would hurt me so I pretended that I had no idea what happened. All I said was I couldn’t be late to get home. I never spoke to that friend again, and I never told anyone about that night.
At this point I trusted nobody not friends not even family. I felt ruined and alone.
Not long after this had happened an old friend of mine had committed suicide in a brutal way. Nobody told me until days after his funeral, this made me even more angry and devastated.
A few months after we went homeless and I didn’t bother finishing school. I got into gambling (for someone else) and smoking marijuana daily. I was a wreck but got a lot of attention.
Done with the Grief, Starting to Accept the Unforgettable Past.
Months later we got a placement in Kanata, Ontario. We were started over new, I stopped gambling and cut down how much I smoked. My schooling got finished and then I met a guy. He was extremely controlling, constantly lied and cheated. At one point I though I was pregnant and started to drink heavily, I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to happen. Thank the gods I never was. After that I left him, took my things while he was at work. The only good thing that came out of that relationship was that I became into fitness and bettered myself. I became an independent woman.
During this relationship I befriended a guy at work who was also having a relationship hardship and we confided in each other. Not long after I became single so did he. We started to hang out and eventually started to date. He was funny, and caring, with a huge heart.
Today this man is the father to our beautiful daughter and the only person I completely trust. He is my rock, he helped me with coping with my past and all the hard stuff I was dealing with.
Now i’m here telling you that you can do it, there is so more to look forward to in life so don’t get stuck looking at your unforgettable past. Please don’t get stuck on what happened and what it could have been like if you did something differently, or realized something sooner. What happened made you stronger and wiser never forget that.
I couldn’t walk on the same sidewalk as men, look at men in the eye and I couldn’t even let myself speak unless I was spoken to. Then I learned to cope and teach myself that is is in the past and not all men want to hurt me, and that I can control my present.
I feared having a daughter, after everything I went through. I was so scared that she would experience what I did. In my mind, no men where to hold her after she was born not even look at her. It took everything I had in me to her grandfather (her fathers father) hold her, but I let him, I needed to trust him.
I learned so much, I gained so much experience and now I know how I want to raise my family. Now I can identify signs when something isn’t right with a situation or if someone is being wronged. Also I can relate and understand a person who is going through or has gone through things.
Helping is one way that I cope. Not looking back, and focusing on the present and future is key. The other coping mechanism I use is my art.
Thank you for reading and I hope this can help you or someone you know who is dealing with unforgettable things.
Feel free to contact me if you wish to talk about your situation. Nobody should have to deal with these things alone.